


Back To Before

by AllFuckedUpOnLove



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 13x23, 13x23 Coda, Cas Is Depressed And Misses Dean A Lot, Dean is MIA, Gen, Hand Touching, Hurt Castiel, Let the Good Times Roll, M/M, Movie Watching, Popcorn Eating, Post Season 13, Sad Castiel, Self-Doubt, season 13 finale
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-19
Updated: 2018-05-19
Packaged: 2019-05-09 00:17:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,092
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14705537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AllFuckedUpOnLove/pseuds/AllFuckedUpOnLove
Summary: "Sam had seen a lot of sorry sights in his time, but there was something especially heartbreaking about an angel who never sleeps, curled up on his brother’s bed, clutching a pillow to his chest. He had laid there all night, through the morning and into the afternoon. Sam was worried, but he didn’t have the heart to disturb him."Post 13x23. Cas misses Dean, and just wants to get him home, safe.





	Back To Before

Sam had seen a lot of sorry sights in his time, but there was something especially heartbreaking about an angel who never sleeps, curled up on his brother’s bed, clutching a pillow to his chest. He had laid there all night, through the morning and into the afternoon. Sam was worried, but he didn’t have the heart to disturb him.

Dean was gone. He wasn’t dead, but he wasn’t here, and he wasn’t in control of himself. Cas didn’t know which one was worse. He knew he should be out looking for him, trying to do something. Anything. But he could barely bring himself to walk around the bunker, much less scour the country. Part of him thought it was safer this way. Given his track record, he’d probably make things worse if he got involved.

He felt helpless and alone. Dean was always his strength and his motivation to fight the good fight, but perhaps he had overestimated his importance in Dean’s life. Maybe that’s why it was so easy for Dean to say “Yes.”

Sam kept busy, making calls. There was a possible lead a couple cities over and he decided to take a day trip and investigate. The bunker was quiet. The absence of its usual occupants painfully obvious.

Cas snuck down to the “Man Cave,” wrapped up in the blanket he borrowed. It smelled faintly of Dean, and it brought Cas a sense of comfort. It wasn’t as good as a hug, but it was close enough that if he closed his eyes, it felt real. He sat in one of the recliners and queued up one of the many Westerns that Dean insisted they watch. It was nice to have something fill the silence.

 

Cas thought about the first time Dean had made him watch it. He had the biggest smile on his face, talking about the cowboys and the duels. Cas couldn’t remember the last time he saw Dean that happy. Genuinely happy. Perhaps when Cas came back from the empty and Dean dressed them up like cowboys out in Dodge, but that was probably just wishful thinking.

As the opening credits rolled, Dean set a bowl of popcorn between them. It was a tight fit on his bed, but they made it work. At some point, they both reached into the bowl and their hands touched. Their heads snapped up. They stared at each other, neither one saying a word. It took every ounce of power Cas had not to react, but Dean simply turned his attention back to the screen and gobbled down the popcorn.

By the end of the film Dean had fallen asleep, though he fought to stay awake.

“I’m just resting my eyes. You keep watching,” he said. Then he was snoring. It would’ve been annoying, had Cas not found it so endearing.

As the end credits rolled, Cas gently put the blanket over Dean and cleaned up. He seemed so peaceful, which he seldom was. The nightmares often disrupted his sleep, but in that moment, he was at ease. Comfortable. Unguarded.

 

It was about three films and two bags of popcorn later when Sam came back. He was happy to see Cas had left Dean’s room.

“Look who finally moved! I was starting to get worried.” Sam joked, trying to lighten the mood. Didn’t work.

“Did you find anything? Any word from him?”

Sam shook his head. It had been a bust. Cas tried to pretend his heart didn’t sink, but it was no use.

Dean was possessed by an archangel, an archangel who wanted to destroy the world, no less, you’d think there’d be a trail of destruction to follow. But here they were, searching for clues in the calm before the storm, and coming up empty handed.

Cas’s thoughts kept running wild. Wondering if Dean was ok. What was Michael making him do? Was he safe?

Cas and Sam both knew how it felt to be possessed. To watch your body do things you have no control over. To hurt innocent people. To hurt the ones you love. They wanted Michael stopped before he did the unthinkable, and Dean back before…

They were going to get Dean back.

Cas sat up and turned off the television. “Why does he always have to sacrifice himself like this? Does he not see how important he is to us? I love him. You and Mary, even Jack loves him! Yet he’s so quick to leave us all behind.”

“That’s Dean. He saw a shot and he took it. He cares about us. About keeping us safe. About keeping the world safe. That’s what he does.”

“I wish he’d find less self-destructive methods.”

Sam nodded in agreement. “I’m not saying I like it, but look at the good that came out of it. Lucifer is dead. That’s a huge win. And if we can beat him, we can beat Michael too.”

Sam placed his hand on Cas’s blanket-clad shoulder. He knew Cas just needed some time, and as long as there were no leads to go on, he might as well let him take it. He loved his brother more than anything in this world, and he knew Cas loved him too.

“We’re going to get him back, Cas.”

He nodded. “I hope so.”

Cas couldn’t stop thinking about what it was going to be like. After they find Dean, after they beat Michael. Exactly what Dean were they going to get back? What Dean were they going to lose? Would they ever be able to just… stop? Say goodbye to all of the monsters and angels and war.

They almost had it. They saved Jack and Mary, the apocalypse was trapped in the other world, along with Lucifer, then it was all ripped away. Again.

Cas just wanted Dean back. He wanted him safe, and close, and arguing with him about his 8th slice of pizza. He wanted his best friend back. But for now, he only had their memories and the hope that they’d get to make more.

“I got something!” Sam shouted from down the hall. His voice sounded like an answer to a prayer.

Cas had a choice to make. He could sit around, missing Dean, and mourning, or he could get up and go save the most important person in his life. He thought about what Dean would do for him, and the choice was easy. He and Sam hopped into the impala, wheels screeching as they sped out into the darkness.

And so the hunt began.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!   
> What can I say, I'm hopeful that Dean missing Cas this season will be mirrored in Cas's story line next season.  
> I'm not saying they're in love, I'M JUST SAYING... they're both sad puppies when they lose the other one, cause they're an old married couple and they need each other.  
> Leave kudos or comment if you liked it!


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